Recovering From Broken Spirits…

It has been a very long time since I’ve written about anything. I once read somewhere that we write about the feelings we’re most afraid of. I’ve always felt that writing when you’re hurting is like eating toast when you’re sick: sometimes it’s just what you need.

Once again I find myself at the base of a building. I’m sure anyone can guess which one. It’s like I never want to give myself a chance to move to another part of the city and build a new skyscraper with a new contractor. Instead, I stick with the same contractor that built a building of fifty floors with plastic for framework. Regardless, it happened and it’s done and there’s nothing I can do about it now except deal with it and move on.

I have been totally fine since it all happened. I haven’t really cried. At least not like the last time. I shed a tear every now and then over memories and feelings that I miss, but I don’t have those gut-wrenching sob sessions that leave me breathless and praying that I wake up the next day knowing it has all been a dream. No I’m simply stuck in a moment tonight and I can’t shake it. So I open my laptop and just start writing…

     It was quite honestly one of the hardest nights I’ve ever dealt with, but I was determined not to let anyone know. An old friend that I hadn’t spoken to in over a year was in a desperate place and needed help. From me, I will never understand why… All night I only wanted to be next to you; sitting with you, standing next to you, I didn’t care. But as I got the hysterical phone call, I walked outside and knew my night wasn’t going to go the way I wanted.

     After about an hour of me being on the phone and your off and on checking on my emotional welfare, you left the apartment and came out to the mailboxes where I was standing. You looked at me in a way I had never really seen before and couldn’t quite place. You pulled me in and hugged me, somehow knowing it was exactly what I needed. As I pulled away, mumbling reassurances into the phone, you continued looking at me in the way that I was starting to like. I looked down at my feet, and took a step back and then forward again. I looked up at you for some kind of guidance with my phone conversation, and you just looked like you appreciated me. I’ve never seen that look in someone’s eye, none the less while they were looking at me. You reached up toward my face and pushed my hair back from my eyes and just looked at me. It was so perfect. I wanted to stay in that moment forever. The moment was short-lived as in less than a minute later you dropped your hand and headed back into the apartment.

People often question when you know that you love someone. I don’t think it’s at a certain point or time in a relationship. It’s in a moment. For me, it was in many moments. In the one I just mentioned, I knew. When he gave me a sparkling pink notebook knowing how nervous I was to start my college classes the next day, I knew. When he gave me a homemade CD of one of my favorite bands, I knew. When he all but begged me not to leave and go to my friend’s house that early August night, I knew. Our entire relationship-that-wasn’t-a-relationship consisted of moments; moments filled with more emotion than I’ve felt before, yet probably less emotion than I have yet to feel. I know I never told him how much I cared about him, and for that I am honestly sorry. No one should ever pass up an opportunity to tell the one they love how much they care. I said once that you never know when your last time is until it has already gone. I’m sorry for not using my last time the way I should have.

I know it’s too late, and I know he probably won’t read this. In fact, I hope that he never will. It’s just that after a long night of missing him (which surprisingly, don’t come as often as they used to), I felt like I needed to open up the bottle of emotion I’ve been trying to hide from everyone (with the exception of one person). I don’t hate him, and I’m not bitter. I know that what I felt was probably that first love that everyone talks about, and I can’t be anything but happy that someone so amazing was the person I’ve spent almost a year getting to know.

Anyway, I’m eighteen. I’m young and I will move on to someone that I won’t be afraid of. High school love can’t last forever in a world like ours, and that’s okay with me. This has taught me so much about myself and I’m so happy. I’ve gained a confidence that I didn’t know I had. Life isn’t an old shirt that you throw out when you realize it doesn’t fit; it’s something you can cut and shape and change to fit the way you want it to.

Until next time…

What was playing?

Holding Out For a Hero – Elise Lieberth
Because of You – Kelly Clarkson
Slow Dancing in a Burning Room – John Mayer
I’m Gonna Find Another You – John Mayer
Not Cut Out – Katy McCallister
If I Didn’t Have You – Thompson Square

4 months ago  /  0 notes